by Demola Rewaju
Admittedly, there are challenges associated with dealing with one’s in-laws; interference with the day-to-day lives of the couple is one of them. Some parents-in-law make it their business to determine what goes on in their child’s family.
Our sense of community in these parts of the world is responsible for our relative success in family issues and to say that one is married to his or her spouse and not their family is an aberration. In most marriages, the son or daughter in-law sits figuratively on the laps of the spouses’ parents or somewhere in between them to signify (as one old man in Ekiti once told me) that they are now a part of the family and there can be no sexual involvement between them.
When one marries a partner, they become one family of two – husband and wife but also of a larger family which includes the respective families they are coming from however, the focus must continually be on that family of two and the children they have afterwards.
Acknowledgement of this fact and the consequent acceptance of one’s spouse’s family is important because we are not created independently. The person you are married to is from a larger family which much as one may try to distance himself or herself from is still one’s family.
Admittedly, there are challenges associated with dealing with one’s in-laws; interference with the day-to-day lives of the couple is one of them. Some parents-in-law make it their business to determine what goes on in their child’s family. This sometimes can be traced to either the domineering nature of those parents or the perceived immaturity of the child. If a mother feels that her daughter is not mature enough to build her home, it is not unlikely that she will call her regularly or visit to tell her how to do it. If a woman feels her son is not strong enough to lead his house, she may interfere.
That is not to say father’s are not guilty of the same – some fathers tell their sons what to do in his (the son’s) family or how he should behave towards his wife. ‘Mummy’s boy’ has a negative connotation these days but mothers usually impose themselves on their son and extend that influence to the daughter in-law.
As I mentioned earlier, it is important for one to portray himself or herself as capable of running a home to his or her own parents so that the interference may be limited and so that the other partner does not become threatened by external influences. When one’s spouse however fails to portray themselves well to their own family and interference is the result, the spouse must accept the fact but work to make it clear that they on the other hand are quite capable of handling a home. Before making it clear though, total acceptance of one’s in-laws is very important. It is unwise to repel the in-laws from the beginning of a marriage. Apart from the fact that they may be necessary in future to the very survival of the marriage, the other partner may feel resentful that his or her spouse does not accept their family as they are. Once the acceptance is established, rejecting advice, spurning offers and building an independent home is a task made easier.
Get to know your in-laws on a deeper than superficial level. Don’t just accept your spouse’s word for it but try to connect with them. Your spouse may not be friendly with one of their siblings but you can go further and try to connect with that sibling as well as others. Remember your family is a subset of that family since that is where your spouse came from.
In getting to know them however, one must be careful not to make assumptions or reveal everything in your marriage to them. This is where it is important to maintain a careful distance – not too close but not too far – from them.
Joining your spouse to criticise their family is a no-no. Family members have a right to criticise their own family members but if you do the same, it may seem as though you’ve harboured such feelings all along. Instead, take the side of your in-laws when having a private discussion with your spouse within your own home. If it is a family meeting and things go out of hand, keep it respectful but show your spouse that you are forever on their side.
The most important thing is your own family of two (and the kids) – that must never be compromised. It also helps if both couples agree on a way to proceed. The health of a relationship often affects how you relate with your in-laws so keep your relationship healthy and you will find it easier to relate with your in-laws.
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Demola Rewaju blogs from www.demolarewajudaily.com
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.